July 16 is World Snake Day, and as your official (definitely legit) snake spokesperson, I am here to inform you that snakes are great and should definitely be in more books and movies. Let’s take a look at some content that would certainly be better with more snakes.
(This reference does not at all mean that I support J. K. Rowling’s opinions. Please respect trans people.)
Sure Voldemort is basically a snake, but how come Harry isn’t more snake-like? He can understand snakes, but there’s not balance. The snakes are just evil. How disappointing is that? And if Harry, a Horcrux, began picking up Voldemort’s abilities, it’s only fair that the other objects do as well. Was this locket covered in snakes before? I don’t know, but it definitely is now.
Since Crowley is already a snake, no changes need to be made. This book is snake approved.
Lord of the Rings (of Snakes)
You know what Lord of the Rings is missing? Snakes. There are elves, dwarves, and even a gigantic spider, but snakes make no significant appearances as far as I can remember – though I may be wrong because those books are quite dense. I believe there are some snakes who live in the ground, so maybe they share some relation to hobbits? A snake is perfectly capable of wearing the ring and just needs to slither into it, though considering that they don’t have arms, they’d get tracked down by the forces of evil fairly quickly. Tracking them down would be the easy part, however. Catching snakes is not an easy task.
Out of all the planets in the Star Wars galaxy, why are there not any significant snake populations? There is a ridiculous amount of Star Wars media, so I suppose I can’t say for sure where there are snakes and where there are not snakes, but from what I’ve seen, it seems that there is a skewing toward mammals as significant beings in the galaxy. I’m sure snakes would love to be Jedi, so that they can slither around with light sabers in their mouths and chop off people’s feet. Snakes would be terrifying Force users because they wouldn’t have to make significant hand gestures to use their abilities, so their actions would be unpredictable. Also, being small and slippery, they could squeeze into difficult places for spaceship repair.
Six of Snakes
Why Six of Crows? snakes ask. Snakes are just as edgy and would make a better cane because it would be actually shaped like a snake. Snakes are sneaky, right? Maybe snakes don’t have wings (they are working on this), but they are good at so many things and deserve a place in the title of a book. (Snakes also have their doubts about Shadow and Bone because, in Siege and Storm the Sea Whip proves to be the easiest to capture of the amplifiers. Sure, the Sea Whip isn’t exactly a snake, but it’s the best they’ve got)
The Da Vinci Code But snakes
Do snakes get self-portraits done by famous artists that then are apparently part of mysterious codes leading to religious artifacts? Again, it is quite possible that they have, but they’re at least left out of this book. Maybe the Mona Lisa could have been a snake, and the snake could be famous for having a mysterious smile. Maybe the Mona Lisa is a snake and that’s why she’s not smiling, because she’s not appreciating being painted as a human. That’s the true mystery here.
Anything by Rick Riordan
Ok, maybe it isn’t this guy’s fault and mythology is just packed with evil snakes, but if you look at least two out of five of his series (The Kane Chronicles and The Trials of Apollo), the villains are all snakes or there are evil snakes involved (I think there’s an apocalypse sort-of snake in Norse mythology but I can’t recall whether it actually makes an appearance or not. Otherwise, it’s just the snake set up to torture Loki? Norse mythology is not my area of expertise). Sure, snakes are pleased that they have a starring role, but does it always have to be a villainous role? Why can’t snakes be demigods? I’m sure gods have given birth to weirder creatures, so there’s nothing saying that Percy Jackson can’t go to camp with a talking snake. (There are George and Martha, though, which makes the poor portrayal of snakes almost forgivable)