Harry Potter‘s birthday was, understandably, a big day in the literary world. The boy who lived turned 30. Whoopdidoo.
Now, I’m not the biggest fan of Harry Potter. I loved it as a child, but got a little sick of the Slytherin merchandise overflowing the Hot Topic shelves during my teens. And now, at age 20, when anyone asks me what house I’m in or what my horcrux would be, I cringe just a little.
What I am a fan of is the massive amounts of fanfiction that the Harry Potter heptalogy has spawned. Since the early 2000’s thousands upon thousands of talented writers have spent days slaving over their hot laptops, weaving their own stories through the magical wizarding world of Harry Potter.
Not all of them are good. Some, in fact, are very bad. And in some respects, the bad ones are better than the good ones. At the very least, they’re great for a laugh.
There was a debate in the office about whether or not this article should be written at all, which is why this particular fanfic has gone unnamed. I’ll say this: it’s the one you’re thinking of. Enjoy.
10. “We walked into [Draco’s] flying black Mercedes-benz (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.”
9. “In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.”
8. “Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father comitted suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Gryffindor).”
7. “Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork.”
6. “Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red satanist rings on my nails in read nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Mary Sue 2 u?).”
5. “He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was… Voldemort!”
4. “All of a sudden… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe. All the glass in the window he flew through fell apart. Britney that insufferable prep started to cry.”
3. “Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did some advanced biology work. I was turning a bloody pentagram into a black guitar.”
2. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all the other girls and preps here except for B’loody Mary, because she’s not ugly or anything.”
1. “Voldemort gave me a gun.”
Featured image via Wattpad